


In The End (I Tried So Hard)

by ScooBiNatural



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Angst, Bingo square fill, Canonical Character Death, Coda to 13x22, Coda to 13x23, Mark of Cain
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-03-19
Updated: 2019-03-19
Packaged: 2019-11-25 20:37:28
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,429
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18171179
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ScooBiNatural/pseuds/ScooBiNatural
Summary: Dean realises that while he and Lucifer aren’t so different, he has one crucial advantage.Cross-posted to Tumblr[post]





	In The End (I Tried So Hard)

**Author's Note:**

> I tried so hard  
> And got so far  
> But in the end  
> It doesn't even matter  
> I had to fall  
> To lose it all  
> But in the end  
> It doesn't even matter
> 
> — In The End, Linkin Park

“And what about Lucifer?” Castiel asks.

Dean glances at his brother before answering. “… Sam handled it.” He doesn’t know exactly what happened after he went through the portal. All he knows is that Gabriel died by Michael's hand, and when Sam walked through, Lucifer didn’t follow after him.

Sam won’t talk about it. Dean suspects he feels a bit guilty about whatever happened, and he wouldn’t be the only one.

Truth is, In the 31 hours that Lucifer was ‘on the team’, he grew on Dean a bit. Maybe he did on Sam too, who knows. And maybe Dean _is_ stupid to feel guilty and Lucifer really was just playing them the whole time.

But then again, maybe he wasn’t.

Dean can’t stop thinking about the things he and Lucifer discussed while working on the bus. He really should have taken his own advice to not speak to Lucifer because he’s been second-guessing his gut ever since.

It started when Dean was asking Lucifer to hand him tools while he fixed up the engine and Lucifer was asking him questions about how cars work. He’s apparently always been fascinated by them— and Dean was more than happy to oblige. He almost forgot who he was talking to after a while of discussing cars and how they operate (and eventually teaching Lucifer how to drive once Sam and Cass told him that’s the plan).

Lucifer was very receptive to the information and showed his engagement by asking follow up questions and making educated guesses about what would improve an engine or what certain parts are for.

It was actually kinda fun, all things considered.

That is, until Lucifer asked a question straight out of left field.

_“You can still feel it, can’t you?”_

_Dean looked up from the engine, the fingers absently scratching his arm freezing. “What?”_

_Dean could swear Lucifer had honest-to-God sympathy in his eyes. Sympathy from the devil. Ha. “The mark. I just can’t help but notice you keep scratching your arm.”_

_Dean is just struck with silence, because Lucifer hit the nail on the head but how is he supposed to respond?_

_“Hey, it’s cool. I’m not gonna tell on you. I just wondered… it’s good to know I’m not the only one.”_

_“What?”_

_“Is that the only word you know now?” Lucifer teases him, reaching for the beer he’s barely touched._

_Dean continues to stay silent, baffled and at a loss for what to say. Too many gears are turning at once. That’s right, Lucifer had the mark first. And for a lot longer than Dean had it. And if he can still feel it like Dean can…_

_“Don’t worry about it, just forget I said anything,” Lucifer mutters, drinking his beer and setting it aside again._

_“No- wait,” Dean rushes to respond, struggling to find something intelligent to say. “Not the only one— you still feel it?”_

_“Well, yeah,” Lucifer responds slowly. “I mean, I only got rid of it the same time that you did, pal. I still itch at it too.” He proves it by pulling down the collar of his shirt, showing the reddened nail scratches on his collarbone. “But the worst of its effects are gone, so you won’t catch me complaining.”_

_That gives Dean pause as well. He’s smart enough to put two and two together but his gut keeps saying ‘no, there’s no way.’_

_Eventually, his head wins out. “So… let me get this straight. You had the mark even after you gave it to Cain?”_

_Lucifer nods, amusement playing in his eyes. “Duh. Did Cain lose it after he gave it to you?”_

_“Well, no…” Dean frowns to himself, logic telling him one thing which he_ really _doesn’t want to consider as a possibility. “So, uh… your fall, the apocalypse, all that was under the mark’s influence?”_

_“Bingo,” Lucifer nods, something akin to hope in his expression. “And they say Sam’s the smart one.”_

_Dean pauses again. “So then you really are different now.”_

_That gives Lucifer pause, and Dean can tell the archangel is choosing his words very carefully. “… yes… and no. I mean… I’m sure you know, the effects of the mark don’t just… go away.” He waits for Dean’s nod of confirmation before he continues. “I’m not suddenly all better, back to my good old self. It took a long time to screw me up, it’s gonna take a long time to get better. But I_ want _to— get better, that is.” He leans against the side of the bus, looking at nothing in particular as he talks._

_“I thought beating Amara would make me better. But then when dad left again… it’s like there was no point in trying anymore. Everyone thinks I’m a monster anyways, so why bother trying to change anyone’s mind?” He catches sight of Jack walking around with Castiel further into camp and watches him walk, waving when Jack sees him as well. “But now I have a reason to try.”_

The discussion didn’t go much further than that, but it really opened up Dean’s eyes. He started paying attention to how Lucifer acted, and tried to see him without the prejudice-tinted lenses he had before. And what he saw seemed for all the world like Lucifer was honestly trying to be better. He’s struggling, definitely. He really wants to impress his son— even more than he wants to help the rest of the team… but it does make it easier since Jack makes it clear that _helping_ is more impressive than any story he can tell.

Maybe Jack isn’t naïve… maybe they’ve just been blinded by their prejudices.

It doesn’t matter anymore, though. Sam ‘handled it’. Dean will never find out if Lucifer really was trying or if he was just leading them on, because now he’s gone. _Dead_ , probably. Michael killed Gabe, why would he spare Lucifer?

He can’t afford to worry about a what-if anyways. They’re home and safe, that’s all that matters now.

 

 

* * *

 

 

Dean can’t help but feel an ache in his chest as he fights Lucifer. He could see it— the _second_ that Lucifer broke. It was in Lucifer’s eyes, mostly.

All it took was Jack rejecting him, calling him a _monster._ And Dean could see the way Lucifer crumpled inside and just… gave up. in that moment, Dean was 100% certain that up to that point, Lucifer was really trying to get better.

But it doesn’t matter because before Dean could get a word in… Lucifer retaliated. He took Jack’s grace and then he took Jack and Sam, and Dean has no choice but to give Michael his consent so he can go save them. Because as sure as he is that Lucifer _was_ trying, he’s equally sure now that the Devil isn’t trying anymore.

And that applies to more than just trying to be good. Dean can tell Lucifer is a better fighter than he is. Lucifer is trained in forms of combat Dean couldn’t even imagine. Michael tells him as such in the back of his mind. But despite all that… it’s easy. Lucifer isn’t trying. He’s given up on more than just getting better.

When Dean lands the fatal blow, there’s a moment of resistance, as if Lucifer and Jack’s combined graces are working to keep him alive and nearly succeeding.

And in that moment of resistance, Lucifer meets Dean’s eyes and Dean can once again see just how broken he is. “I tried,” he mutters just loud enough for the two of them to hear. “I didn’t mean for it to end like this… but, thank you,” he says quickly, and then his grace gives up as well and the blade sinks deeper into his chest. And then they both fall, Dean holding Lucifer with the blade still lodged up to the hilt in his chest.

It seems the right thing to do, to hold Lucifer as he dies. Considering that no one else has offered Lucifer that luxury in his life, it seems only fair that Dean holds the angel through his death.

It’s violent, and bright, and nearly sears Dean’s retinas, but he makes himself watch.

That could have been him. If he didn’t have anyone to keep him sane, that _would_ have been him. That still _can_ be him, if he loses sight of what’s important to him.

When Lucifer is dead, Dean lets his body fall out of his arms, laying the empty vessel on the ground over the imprints of his wings.

And then he stands, turning to look at what’s important to him.


End file.
